Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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