If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
