Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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