he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
