Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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