Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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