hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Randomize
