i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
