We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
