it's too hot outside to masturbate.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
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