Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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