That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Damn victory sex feels great
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
