my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
