just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
