i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
i need some magic done to my vagina
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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