I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
