I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
