I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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