How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
