I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
