True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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