on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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