listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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