fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
