I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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