Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
