And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
