i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
