Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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