I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
