You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You ate ashes out of my bong
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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