My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
