how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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