Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
