i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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