Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
