I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
