This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
