I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
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