she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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