i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Randomize
