By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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