3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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