God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize