Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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