Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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