Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
