Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
