I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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