It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Randomize
