i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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