I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
